Delight

The past few weeks my mind has been on constant rewind and replay.

I wondered. Why did anything come into existence in the first place? Why was I given the privilege, and at the same time, regret, of ever feeling what I felt and experiencing what I experienced?
Why did it have to begin when it would soon come to an end?

Then it clicked. It isn't anybody's fault.
What are you doing, I questioned myself as I did the laundry.
Who are you trying to cast the blame on?
Is it him? Is it God?

80% of the time we usually know what we should do in life. (Of course percentages and statistics are made up, like most quoted statistics).
We, or should I say I, was afraid of coming to terms with the solutions lying there motionless, in the recesses of my mind.

I knew that life wouldn't always be as smooth as honey in one's throat. Reality is, you can't just wish everything will run like clockwork, flowers lining your every path. Most of all, you can't blame anyone, not even God for the turnout of things.

Some things in life hold lessons. Some things just happen for no reason.
Yet, God is sovereign. If there's anyone you could possibly count on, it's Him.

Take delight in the Lord;

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Ps. 37:4 

Well, I think one of the lessons or warnings this time was to come back to Him. I was always physically there but I knew how far away I was mentally. I had to accept the fact that I wasn't as right as I thought I was. I had to come to terms with the fact that I might need help. I knew I had changed somewhat.

I knew at that point I had placed certain things on a pedestal. Yes, my commitments were still carried out faithfully but my mind wasn't showing the same commitment to God.

Take delight in the Lord, take delight.. in the Lord. I was delighting in other things. 

Once again, I wasn't giving God the adoration I should. I was directing that to other things. And more so to the point that life kinda revolved around one thing for me sometimes. It was all I was worried about constantly. 

From that point on, I realised I had to put aside this nonsense and delight in my one true Lover. 

Adore and praise of Him should be filling my brain. Haha, to a certain extent I kinda reminded myself of Kyoko and Shou in Skip Beat (random manga ref.). But yeah. I was practically missing out on life. I wasn't living in present tense. 

Mind you, I've struggled with brainspace for quite some time. My heart wants to just lose myself in God's presence but nonsensical thoughts would just permeate my brain. But it was not impossible. I just had to exercise a lot of discipline. 

Well, all I can say is God knows I'm not ready actually. And He's just prepping me for the real thang. 

And of course, God cares enough to want to win me back even when I've turned away. His patience with me is just phenomenal, really.

I'm sorry that my willpower sucks.

But.

I love you Lord. 

I want to truly love you wholeheartedly. 

Truly.