Not Your Average Summer

I'll be completely honest, coming home this summer wasn't something I was particularly excited about as I've come to realise, it was just what I needed.

1. 

The saying "you don't know what you're missing till it's gone" is so true but I would like to add a little twist to that statement. You don't know what you're missing till it's gone from your life but appears back again.  If I were to be completely honest (once again) I would say that I didn't really miss the people back home with an aching heart. I was always more of a friend person than a family person anyway. So when I came home and saw my parents in the flesh, I looked at them and thought to myself, what a bad child I was. I could certainly do better. In the moments that I spent with them hearing them out in coffeeshops or in their car, I came to my senses - I was such a fool for not appreciating them enough. I was so blinded by my own arrogant nature that I failed to respect them as  the wise, experienced adults they were. Somewhere along the years, I don't know why I changed, and why I retreated into my non-expressive shell whenever I was with my parents. Somewhere along the years, I started hardening my heart towards my own parents; laying my walls of defences, brick by brick, a means of coping with life. Somewhere along the years, I started thinking it was okay to lose my cool at home, because it was home, and I didn't need to put up any pretences with the people who raised me, knew me and dealt with me ever since I was a baby. Somewhere along the years, I began directing all my frustrations and anger from the outside world to my inner home. Somewhere along the years, I stopped conveying my "i love yous" beyond written words on cards for special occasions.

I hate myself for doing what I'm doing yet I'm so buried in the defence mechanisms I have built both intentionally and unintentionally.

So this summer I decided, like every other time I made similar decisions, to love and cherish my family. To listen and appreciate the advise given to me. To be humble and let my walls down. All I can say is I'm still working on it, and everyday I'm praying Lord, I need your grace and mercy. Teach me to love.

2.

A few months ago when I first heard of my church's annual family camp, I took it in like any other news. My parents signed me up immediately when they knew I was coming home, so I didn't think much it. At the back of my mind I knew that I could expect something different but I let the idea slide and didn't toy with it much. Little did I know what was in store for me.

God met me at the camp. Beyond the tears and the impactful messages delivered by Pas. Benedict, the greatest thing that could ever happen to me took place - He met me. Jesus met me at my level; He reached out to me, I didn't even need to move. He met me in my time of need and He met me in my struggle. It was truly amazing to just stand in His presence knowing He was there, and allowing Him to fill the depths of my soul with life-giving waters. 

"Don't blame yourself...You can be used despite your struggle."

"But flee and turn away from sin."

Never before were the words so piercing to me. They convicted me to change. To want better. To want God.
And I knew from that moment on that I was going to be okay. I felt so assured in my identity in Christ. It was refreshing not comparing yourself to others. It was just so fulfilling knowing that nothing else will matter more than following Christ.

***

But of course life will have its ups and downs, flourishes and decrescendos. The important part however is to want to come back to God, to want to be better, to desire change. And day in and day out I remind myself, be thankful for what you have, and glue those eyes on Jesus.