Drunk in Memories

*wrote this at my office desk, a day before my Dad's birthday. 3rd March 2020.

Feelings of missing a person often come in waves and feel a lot like a hot flush from alcohol. You either take sips and pace yourself out; little occurrences reminding you now and then about the people you miss, the people you hide in your heart.

 

"How's your mom and dad?", "Name me a figure you respect the most", "Why do you like Mercedes Benz cars?", "Did you just start loving flowers?". "Oh look! It's a Peanuts calender!"

 

Or, you gulp in the sweet, barely bitter taste of a home-concocted drink and all of a sudden your cheeks radiate heat.

 

"Tomorrow's my dad's birthday."  It's been 6 birthdays that I've missed spending together. "Do you miss home sometimes?". "Do you prefer living in the States?". "Would  you want to build a life here?"

 

If you let the feelings linger, they start to sink in. The warmness spreads, all of a sudden you feel cozy.

Alcohol kicking in full speed.

 

You enter the loop that is your thoughts of wishing dearly to be with the people you miss, then regretting why you moved, then desiring to leave everything behind and go home, then  you remember why you came, how your parents did this so you could have a better future, "Does it matter where I make my living?", "Isn't it a waste to give up the opportunities you've already been given?".

 

You're right, I'm here and I owe it to the people I work with to be present.

 

The eyes may get watery, I might send a text to ask how they're doing. Schedule a video call.

 

Soberness starts to creep in, the warmth fades, the fog in the head clears out. I stop sipping the memories.

 

Here I am still sitting at my desk, people and time pass me by. Gotta get back to work, I think to myself. I rub my eyes, drink some water and carry on with life.

 

*my shift from 2nd person to 1st is part of me owning up to my memories. Making them real.