Late Night Thoughts : Edition #1

Haha who knows, I might just be able to keep up with the editions this year. 

I am somewhat on a mission to journal more often and give visible language to the things that go on in my head. I have this silent (ok not so silent) fear that one day I'll simply forget all my memories. 

Maybe that's my one fear all along. I don't fear death, in fact I look forward to the day I get to go to heaven and be with the Lord 24/7. Maybe my fear is losing myself, not remembering my story, my journey. 

It's so encouraging to know that every post in here matters and will continue to matter to me in the future. It's often times just crazy how the years pass and before I know it, what would've once been an insurmountable task, becomes pretty doable. In 2013, I was happy about doing well in Calculus. I would've never imagined actually working as an engineer in 2017. In the grand scheme of things, 4 years doesn't seem like a long time. And to give credit where it's due, it really isn't. This always humbles me when I wonder about an impossibility each day. My impossibility could literally become possible a week, a month, a year, couple of years from that very day. 

Well now that my appreciative ramblings are over with, here's my mull-ables of late. (Stop creating your own words Jocelyn)

Anyway, I realise with age alot of things become clearer. What I love to do and what I don't. Who I actually want to spend time with, and who I don't. Coming to terms with my heart opinions. (More on that in the future). But yes, maybe the pandemic accelerated my growing up, I don't know. 

I am completely comfortable spending time on my own, going about my day without face to face interaction. I no longer long with great anticipation to step out the door. Sure, if we were back to non-pandemic times, you'd probably see me on the hunt for cafes. But, I got so used to not driving anywhere that I actually get anxious thinking about driving somewhere, finding parking and the likes. 

This probably started in my uni days, but I no longer feel the need to reply a message instantly. As most friends would know haha. Its so crazy how I used to be glued to my phone, replying anything in a jiffy. Now I'm still glued, but it's more of digesting all the content out there. Is this laziness? Is this inconsideration? 

Well, I reply instantly if it's work related. Or appointment dependant, time dependant. But otherwise I take my time. 

I like to start text conversations and hold them because I genuinely want to know how someone is doing. But! I need time to process and think of what to say next. Sometimes I'm really tired of filtering. And sometimes I annoy myself by thinking of all the ways something I say could be  politically incorrect. Hence, I really appreciate my friends who allow me this space to reply on my time and are interested on holding the conversation. (S/o ✨ + 👵s). I've also come to appreciate friends who've been very unfiltered with me. The honesty in opinion is so refreshing. Sure, sometimes this makes me naturally want to filter myself so I don't ever offend, but I'm learning to not filter as well because similarly I know they appreciate my honesty. 

Jumping to the next topic- I used to be so afraid of creating and running out of creative juice. That's why I chose engineering 😅 but I'm glad that I'm not hiding my love for art and music anymore. I'm trying my best to not be worried about what I put out, but to just settle with my own version of best and be ok with that. Critique is always scary, but it's what makes you stronger truly. I'm truly wanting to develop my art and take it to the next step this year, so ya. Instead of wishing me luck, pray for me, and I better get back on prayer as well. (Sorry Lord). 

I think that's it for this post. Need sleep weep 

🌃