josiechay's

Today was a really interesting day filled with so many revelations from God. Like seriously, He showed me so many things and sent time and again, the right people. I thought I'd like to jot this down because its definitely a major improvement from the befuddled me two posts ago. :) 1. Worship is about letting God be God. (from a worship leader's perspective) You can't really overthink and analyse so-called worship leading styles. It just doesn't work. Today I saw the difference intense prayer made in the worship service. It's all about committing it to God and being alert to the Spirit's move. 2. Reaching out, looking out for others. I definitely need to work more on that. One thing I've learned today: What is life if all you bother about is yourself? 3. I saw today the faults in my assessment of you. Not only that, in this whole issue, I don't think I truly cared for you, I cared about how you were and how you would treat me in relation to that....

Okay man SCRRREEEEWW all the emotional mumbo jumbo, this has got to stop. I'm gonna rejoice in all circumstances! haha forgive the yoyo-ing all in a day, but yeah, need to draw all the strength from Him. I feel like slapping myself, c'mon man each day you spend like this is a day you overlook God's faithfulness and blessings. Snap out of it Jo. okay ahah, self-bombardment just now. :) LORD YOU ARE GOOD. forever and always.

Sometimes I think it's best  To show up at your doorstep To bare all the locked emotions To tell you what I've become, a mess Sometimes I drift into my imagination I open the door and there you are You greet me like nothing ever happened It's all as before, when you were most close, not far Sometimes I close my eyes I dream the same dreams thrice I silently hope that when my eyes flicker open The fourth dream comes to life The unlucky chain forever broken .. yay new poem :)

Where else to vent but here? Really don't mean to be a downer all the time here, but I guess this is where I can be honest. :) -Start- Well maybe I've never really been avoided by people in the past 19 years of my life, but this is so difficult. To be avoided by someone you care so much for. pretty crazy. At least for me. I have to get used to the fact that you're not going to reply every message I send, unlike the days when you not only reply, but add some totally cheeky line after. I have to get used to the fact that you probably no longer care or will take interest in what becomes of me. I have to get used to the fact that no matter how much you say I'm still that best-est friend to you, its really not the same anymore. Change, this is the first time you're so hard to swallow. The queen of adaptation is in fact facing a problem. Well, if you knew my whole story you would probably say I'm overreacting. Heck, maybe I am. But then again, as I said...

At first, I thought to myself while looking back at old pictures (I know, super sentimental)- all the things you said, I wonder if you remember them. The things I used to say to you, I wonder do you miss them. Pictures we shared, I wonder if you look back at them with care. (Ok, that's too much but yeah you get the idea.) You once said something like this- after everything, the outcome is just like that?  Well, the exact same thought sprung in my mind. I did wonder, after everything , after all that's been done, this is what you choose to do? To me?  And then I asked myself, are you any better than the people whom you think do not love unconditionally? No.  Here I am, complaining about the present circumstances when what I should be doing, is being thankful for the past and choosing to accept your decision wholeheartedly. Funny how I always know the right things I should do, but never seem to actually do it. Human nature I guess.  And so I'm reminded of the thi...

Like the title of this post, the pain in my heart can get pretty tangible at times. Sort of like the feeling when the wind is knocked out of you. You don't even know what hit you in the first place. I do not know the time or day when this happens, but when it does, there's almost always some trigger. A VW Golf/ Scirocco parked on the road, a pretty two-piece swimsuit, Body Shop shower gel seen in a glass window, Cadbury chocolate. All these things probably have nothing in common, yet they're like the first piece in a domino chain. They all remind me of you and well, everything pretty much crashes down on me after that. Even the stupid fact that you sometimes don't reply irks me so and I don't know why. However having prayed over this matter, I knew that it was certainly going to be an uphill battle, no shortcuts. I knew there was the possibility for my thoughts and emotions to yo-yo violently. And so I inhale. Try to focus. Try to keep my eyes on my Lord. Calm...

There's no other way to say this. I miss you terribly. As cliche and so unlike me as that sounds, yes I miss all the talking. I miss all your facepalm-inducing jokes, I miss everything. Sigh. What to do. I'm no Dor. Certainly no hourglass in my hands. :/