Ever so tangible
Like the title of this post, the pain in my heart can get pretty tangible at times.
Sort of like the feeling when the wind is knocked out of you. You don't even know what hit you in the first place. I do not know the time or day when this happens, but when it does, there's almost always some trigger.
A VW Golf/ Scirocco parked on the road, a pretty two-piece swimsuit, Body Shop shower gel seen in a glass window, Cadbury chocolate. All these things probably have nothing in common, yet they're like the first piece in a domino chain. They all remind me of you and well, everything pretty much crashes down on me after that. Even the stupid fact that you sometimes don't reply irks me so and I don't know why.
However having prayed over this matter, I knew that it was certainly going to be an uphill battle, no shortcuts. I knew there was the possibility for my thoughts and emotions to yo-yo violently. And so I inhale. Try to focus. Try to keep my eyes on my Lord. Calm down, I will. Somehow writing always helps to ease the pain and bring me back on track.
And so here I am, releasing my thoughts. This is my way to cope.
In all honesty, I can't wait for the day when I'll be stable again. You know those atoms you learn about in Chem? Unstable, oh so radioactive. I feel like those atoms sometimes.
BUT.
I am still so very thankful (pardon the excessive use of adverbs), to God. He is the only one who has seen me at my worst. And I'm ever grateful that He has not given up on me, despite my constant fickleness.
It is definitely a struggle, but nothing my God can't take me through.
Along the way, maybe i have forgotten how big my God is. How insignificant my problem must be, and how He is bigger than all these.
Sort of like the feeling when the wind is knocked out of you. You don't even know what hit you in the first place. I do not know the time or day when this happens, but when it does, there's almost always some trigger.
A VW Golf/ Scirocco parked on the road, a pretty two-piece swimsuit, Body Shop shower gel seen in a glass window, Cadbury chocolate. All these things probably have nothing in common, yet they're like the first piece in a domino chain. They all remind me of you and well, everything pretty much crashes down on me after that. Even the stupid fact that you sometimes don't reply irks me so and I don't know why.
However having prayed over this matter, I knew that it was certainly going to be an uphill battle, no shortcuts. I knew there was the possibility for my thoughts and emotions to yo-yo violently. And so I inhale. Try to focus. Try to keep my eyes on my Lord. Calm down, I will. Somehow writing always helps to ease the pain and bring me back on track.
And so here I am, releasing my thoughts. This is my way to cope.
In all honesty, I can't wait for the day when I'll be stable again. You know those atoms you learn about in Chem? Unstable, oh so radioactive. I feel like those atoms sometimes.
BUT.
I am still so very thankful (pardon the excessive use of adverbs), to God. He is the only one who has seen me at my worst. And I'm ever grateful that He has not given up on me, despite my constant fickleness.
It is definitely a struggle, but nothing my God can't take me through.
Along the way, maybe i have forgotten how big my God is. How insignificant my problem must be, and how He is bigger than all these.
I will soar again.
On a different note, sometimes I do wonder why this matter has affected me so adversely. I mean, it seems that nothing really happened, just a couple of changes in life, but yet, here I am, writing/tweeting/insta-ing about half the time. Oh my gosh, wake up woman. I'm starting to annoy myself. lol.
And if someone were to perform some sort of scan on my brain, they'll discover very active brain activity. Sometimes I wonder where's the Off button to this brain of mine. Sometimes my thoughts tire me out. Lots of over-thinking and over-analyzing man. Maybe being blur is good :p
And I'll have you know, I feel much better already! Ah the wonders of sorting out my thoughts in the written word. Most of the time I start out feeling hopeless and ready to run into a speeding car but by the end, I'm usually re-motivated.
"Love is standing by your friend even if he/she has hurt you countless times."
"..love is loving the person even if he/she doesn't love you the same way."
Found these words in an older blogpost. I really want to learn to go back to that way of thinking man.
Things were simpler.
Anyway, here I am yawning away. Thanks ol' blog. Nice posting in you again.
Reminder to self:
- Don't think so much
- Just focus on God.
Alright, signing off.
Jo.
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