josiechay's

*wrote this at my office desk, a day before my Dad's birthday. 3rd March 2020. Feelings of missing a person often come in waves and feel a lot like a hot flush from alcohol. You either take sips and pace yourself out; little occurrences reminding you now and then about the people you miss, the people you hide in your heart.   "How's your mom and dad?", "Name me a figure you respect the most", "Why do you like Mercedes Benz cars?", "Did you just start loving flowers?". "Oh look! It's a Peanuts calender!"   Or, you gulp in the sweet, barely bitter taste of a home-concocted drink and all of a sudden your cheeks radiate heat.   "Tomorrow's my dad's birthday."  It's been 6 birthdays that I've missed spending together. "Do you miss home sometimes?". "Do you prefer living in the States?". "Would  you want to build a life here?"   If you let the feelings linger, they start to s...

Haha who knows, I might just be able to keep up with the editions this year.  I am somewhat on a mission to journal more often and give visible language to the things that go on in my head. I have this silent (ok not so silent) fear that one day I'll simply forget all my memories.  Maybe that's my one fear all along. I don't fear death, in fact I look forward to the day I get to go to heaven and be with the Lord 24/7. Maybe my fear is losing myself, not remembering my story, my journey.  It's so encouraging to know that every post in here matters and will continue to matter to me in the future. It's often times just crazy how the years pass and before I know it, what would've once been an insurmountable task, becomes pretty doable. In 2013, I was happy about doing well in Calculus. I would've never imagined actually working as an engineer in 2017. In the grand scheme of things, 4 years doesn't seem like a long time. And to give credit where it's due,...

Haha I think it starting to become a pattern. Updating once a year. 2020 was a whirlwind but I'm thankful for all the moments both good and bad. It's funny how I always start off writing a more negative piece but towards the end, I somehow always change course and can't help but write positively.  Without further ado, saying bye to 2020 with this verse:  It Hurts To Be Human It hurts to be human  To be bound to feelings To have to decide everyday  Balancing on fine lines Struggling in uncertainty  To simply not know Being in the thick of conflict  Because words are often misheard Misunderstood, misrepresented.  It hurts to be human To live with expectations  When the default is mess And the constant, chaos Chaos in our feelings Turbulent in our thoughts Spiralling in worries Hurting in being human  Yet when there's hurt, there's also joy For every worry, there's an encouragement For every conflict, forgiveness It hurts to be human Yet remembe...

Looking back it's so crazy that 1. I poured out a lot of my much-internalized thoughts on this blog and 2. how going back to this blog now is so refreshingly honest and encouraging even reading it 3 years later. Funny enough even though this is my 5th year in the States, my English has gotten progressively worse. And I kinda envy my young self's eloquency. But anyway. I wanted to write this to remind my future self that is probably going to read this again at some point in life that I got over heartbreak, I fell, I cried, but I lived and learned. Back then I never thought that I would fully recover from heartbreak but God has shown me that it is indeed possible. He has blessed me with so much more- a kind and loving companion, someone that leads me in ways that I wanted to be led in all these years. And I am so grateful for that. I'm twenty five this year and it is absolutely ridiculous to think that I have been working for almost two years, trying to be ...

It's strangely comforting to see you looking all happy on social media with your girl. No, this post isn't gonna be a rant. Truly. Strangely enough, when I see you with your girl, I feel relieved. And I'm genuinely happy for you. I'm happy that finally, you don't need to hide anything. You don't need to worry about scrutiny, secrets and meeting other people's expectations. I'm happy that you've found someone you can be exactly who you are with. I'm happy you can bring her to meet your family and you can bring her to church. That's exactly how it should have been from the start and I'm glad this is all working out for you now. All I wanted was for you to be happy and I knew, being around me, that wasn't always the case. So I'm glad you've found your peace in this phase of life. Buddy, I wish you well and I will always be your guardian angel/fairy godmother when you need help. :) xx

I'll be completely honest, coming home this summer wasn't something I was particularly excited about as I've come to realise, it was just what I needed. 1.  The saying "you don't know what you're missing till it's gone" is so true but I would like to add a little twist to that statement. You don't know what you're missing till it's gone from your life but appears back again.  If I were to be completely honest (once again) I would say that I didn't really miss the people back home with an aching heart. I was always more of a friend person than a family person anyway. So when I came home and saw my parents in the flesh, I looked at them and thought to myself, what a bad child I was. I could certainly do better. In the moments that I spent with them hearing them out in coffeeshops or in their car, I came to my senses - I was such a fool for not appreciating them enough. I was so blinded by my own arrogant nature that I failed to respec...