2012/2013
So once again after like several months, I'm here updating this blog. Well I'm coming here, because I just feel like letting out my thoughts. :)
First of all, I'm so very grateful to the Lord for taking me through 2012, helping me survive, and showing me time and again what really matters in life.
To be utterly honest, 2012 was an emotionally volatile year. My feelings ranged from sky high to abyss-deep low. And that's really because they're feelings. Feelings change, feelings cannot be depended on. But how?
Well, I really thank God that He's the only constant in my ever changing year. I guess I do feel guilty that He had to send so many people, so many occasions my way. Just to spur me on. Just to keep me going. That was how weak I was. God kept reassuring me of His love. Ah well, I guess the only thing I did right was to cry out to Him alone and not seek out other things. And all that time I kept reminding myself, there must be something I'm doing right that makes the devil tremble and choose to discourage me. But it was hard to stay afloat. I thank God He just took me through my studies.
But, the real problem wasn't coping up with everything I think.
The real problem could have been my heart.
I just selfishly thought that I deserved better. The way I was going, it was as if God owed me something. And indeed that was so very wrong of me.
Breaking points and tears aside, it was just so amazing, how God won my heart back, even though I was so unworthy of His love. How could this be?
***
Today, I met up with my two teachers and the CF buddies. Of course, this meeting with them really shook my perception of things. Or rather, I would say it shook away the dust covering my vision. I was so blinded by feelings last year, that it left me simply appalled at my terrible attitude, disgusted by my selfishness.
And so I wondered to myself, after so many moments of realization, why oh why did my heart still throb, painful as before? Why couldn't I get over what started in my heart so many years ago? Why wouldn't the pain just go away?
I want to get over this whole issue, I really do.
So, my resolution is set.
So I say my prayer.
God forgive my stubborn heart.
And I will continue to trust you Lord to heal my heart.
I will come out victorious.
I will focus on God, on the things that matter, and allow Him to do the rest. To do the healing work, to give me well-needed rest.
Amen.
**
haha.. it would be great if God can take me to the point of total understanding. To be able to think in the way I thought when writing the post below- First Love. I'm keeping the faith!
First of all, I'm so very grateful to the Lord for taking me through 2012, helping me survive, and showing me time and again what really matters in life.
To be utterly honest, 2012 was an emotionally volatile year. My feelings ranged from sky high to abyss-deep low. And that's really because they're feelings. Feelings change, feelings cannot be depended on. But how?
Well, I really thank God that He's the only constant in my ever changing year. I guess I do feel guilty that He had to send so many people, so many occasions my way. Just to spur me on. Just to keep me going. That was how weak I was. God kept reassuring me of His love. Ah well, I guess the only thing I did right was to cry out to Him alone and not seek out other things. And all that time I kept reminding myself, there must be something I'm doing right that makes the devil tremble and choose to discourage me. But it was hard to stay afloat. I thank God He just took me through my studies.
But, the real problem wasn't coping up with everything I think.
The real problem could have been my heart.
I just selfishly thought that I deserved better. The way I was going, it was as if God owed me something. And indeed that was so very wrong of me.
Breaking points and tears aside, it was just so amazing, how God won my heart back, even though I was so unworthy of His love. How could this be?
***
Today, I met up with my two teachers and the CF buddies. Of course, this meeting with them really shook my perception of things. Or rather, I would say it shook away the dust covering my vision. I was so blinded by feelings last year, that it left me simply appalled at my terrible attitude, disgusted by my selfishness.
And so I wondered to myself, after so many moments of realization, why oh why did my heart still throb, painful as before? Why couldn't I get over what started in my heart so many years ago? Why wouldn't the pain just go away?
I want to get over this whole issue, I really do.
So, my resolution is set.
So I say my prayer.
God forgive my stubborn heart.
And I will continue to trust you Lord to heal my heart.
I will come out victorious.
I will focus on God, on the things that matter, and allow Him to do the rest. To do the healing work, to give me well-needed rest.
Amen.
**
haha.. it would be great if God can take me to the point of total understanding. To be able to think in the way I thought when writing the post below- First Love. I'm keeping the faith!
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