josiechay's

I kinda forget sometimes to give thanks for life in general, especially if it's this blog. Well, I just want to thank the Lord for his great blessings this year. I've never felt so on top of a semester before. I mean, the year is drawing to a close and I can safely say that the last quarter of the year has been the best. I've never felt so at ease really. Lol, at times I wonder why I feel so peaceful. No regrets whatsoever. And with reference to the issue that I've been talking about, yeah its not crystal clear yet, but hey, I feel much better emotionally. I guess I've come to accept certain things. Or maybe, its just me growing up. haha. This last quarter of the year, I've been thinking a lot about my future and the roads ahead of me. I just know, something big's coming, but at the same time, I am aware I have to be more diligent in actually bringing to life certain dreams. And wherever the Lord leads, I hope I'll be attentive to the instruc...

I sat and I thought about it all All I saw in front of me was a wall A wall of guilt and bitter memories A wall of my feelings in fragile pieces The more I thought The more I realised what a fool I was To have been bound for so long Captive to personal raging wars The more I thought The more I realised what I should do Tear these walls down Let this frustration drown xx Took this picture and wanted to come up with a suitable instagram-friendly caption.  Got a friend helping in the brainstorming process as well. Eventually, this poem didn't make the cut but here it is :)

Can someone die of a broken heart?  **** It's a cold cold night, with nothing to keep me warm. Not even the warmest of blankets can help me now.  I know it so well. It's so blatantly evident.(double reinforcers)  You will always hold those memories of her.  And I will always be the spare tyre. **** On a lighter note, it truly is a cold night. Brrrrrr

It's a little bit of a bummer the fact that I only seem to blog when I feel down. Haha what to do, no outlet but here. Well before I go all emo nemo, I really want to thank the Lord for his countless blessings this month. Deep down I know that once I recall the blessings, they will cast the 'bummers' into the background.  Probably that's my unconscious aim all along :p. First of all, I wanna give all the glory to God for blessing me with good results so far. It's been much a surprise to me as I never really expected to do well in Calculus at all. Haha abit of a pessimist aren't I? But yeah, God has proven me wrong this time, and I can only thank Him and be grateful. Same goes to the other subjects. On hindsight, I've definitely been more focused and interested in studying this semester. I know it's because I've solved certain heart issues, and I'd like to keep things this way. Ain't no moments of weakness gonna stumble me! Oh and a...

So I'm currently on a fast from social media this week. 2nd day into it and I'm already feeling abit out of place. I find it funny how the absence of oneself from this social media platforms can make you feel so incompetent socially in reality. Weird but true. It has become a habit to tap on the apps in my phone whenever I see a notification pop up, or a number on the screen cap. Also, the urge to 'share with the world' one's happenings or thoughts. So tempted to post an edited picture or tweet a random thought. It's crazy the way I see it. This was how addicted I was to social media. A bit like a fish out of water is what I feel currently. But I will survive! What I need to do now is to make use of my time to complete that psych assignment. Don't know why I'm procrastinating so much. Oh and I need to stop returning to my old reminiscing ways. It's killing me.

Spending the late night reading some old convos. "Later your good friend chase after you ;p" Did not happen, but it's all good. :) Your words were sweet like candy.

First off, I'd like to start with how remarkably satisfying dinner was tonight. I went out with the fam to Tony Roma's and I have never felt so happy about a meal LOL. The ribs were so soft and tender, the Ranch-style beans so wonderfully flavourful and the mash potatoes so creamy XD haha okay, this shows how happy I was. Didn't even get the chance to snap a picture, everything kena sapu. Anyway back to the title of the post. So on the car ride home, I began to think about America and the future. For the first time since I signed up for ADP, I felt a little scared about going to the big U alone. Since I'm such a sentimental person, I wondered if I would be able to let go and try to make some good friends there. Haha, who am I kidding, I've always been able to make friends easily, it was only a matter of whether I felt at home in the friendship or not. I thought about staying alone in a room, doing so many things by myself. The thought of possibly cooking. Ok ma...

Sometimes, all you need to do is take that step. Make that leap of spontaneity. Let you creativity lead you. There are so many things I'd like to do creatively which I've not really started on. Here's what I hope to do. 1. Paint. Like with watercolours. 2. Finish the songs I've left half done. 3. Bust out my violin and do some practicing. 4. Learn to play more songs on the piano and guitar. 5. Do more decent covers. 6. Write! (Haven't written in a looong time. For real.) 7. Get back on the DSLR and improve my photography skills. 8. Read alllllll the new books I've accumulated at home. 9. Reorganizing my room. It's time. No excuses, Jo. 10. Lastly, maybe I can go back to blogging properly :) On another note, I miss travelling, I really do. The feeling of being in a new place,  where you get to discover the culture and take in the sights and sounds. Can't wait for the next trip out. XX ciaoz. ...

So, the inevitable happened. I have always dreaded the day this would happen but more than anything, I'm amazed at my own reaction. I always thought that when this happened, I would be immensely sad and depressed. But no. God is good. Somehow, I don't feel anything. The only thing I feel is curiosity at this point. Curious about your 'opportunity', curious about your change in heart. Curious about you. But that's it. Amazing for someone who thought she had depression a couple of weeks ago. Anyways, at this juncture, I pray that I'll be able to let you have your space and time alone. And not suffocate you with concern. Amen. :) #GodIsGood.

Haha looks like I'll never have an absolutely empty holiday. Church camp had just passed and here I was, thinking I'll have many days to work on that disorganized room of mine. Turns out, lots of things were sent my way instead. Initially accepted for the Help World Mental Health Day musical as a dancer, I was considering quitting as I knew dancing wasn't exactly my forte. Who would have known, I came for the first day of practice and got to know that it wasn't going to be a musical anymore. It will be a play and song/dance performance instead. Wonderful! I could do what I was more comfortable with - singing. So here I am, really really excited to train and be introduced to the proper techniques of singing. Yeah, it was like super different. Even a little different from my previous choir training, but who cares? It's a totally new experience. I even get to learn to act, as the skills would be used in singing as well. Bringing the message of the song across wi...

Sometimes I wonder why I get over-sensitive over things you say. And that only happens when I'm talking to you. I don't understand myself sometimes. Why do I get so had up over something you say that you probably don't even mean, or could have meant as a joke. I never take the things people say to me to heart. But with you, it's oh-so-different. Interesting eh? Amazing how one line could make my world spin out of control in the past, and cause me to feel like I'm getting a heart attack. But well I'd like to think of today as somewhat a success over my emotions . I managed to control myself. Even though just a tiny bit of tears might have leaked, I think I was above the waters today. haha, Najwa Mahiadin's Jealousy was so spot on. Oh well. On the whole, praise the Lord!

^ The title above refers to a poem with the same title that I wrote back in high school. After church camp, my mind was opened a little to the notion that maybe, just maybe, he isn't the right one. I guess the past two years, I have been so caught up with my feelings in this un-burstable bubble that I could not view the whole situation in a more sensible fashion. Indeed, I was waiting for the time that I could step back and look at my problem from the outside. Camp was my chance. I was far from my source of misery, closer to other people  in general. The chance I got to meet some other friends in the past weeks has also helped me a lot and I'm so very thankful to the Lord for sending all these marvellous people. I got to look at my situation from a totally different point of view. They might not know it, but talking to the two awesome Js was quite a big help and release. And then there was my Kor and my favourite siblings . Haha, that's why currently I'm an advo...

Since my TOEFL exam is only about a month away, I think I really should start writing again as I'm getting really rusty. Especially since I've been improving my Chinese and mixing up every single language spoken in Malaysia in my daily convos. *sigh* Hear the sound of my spoken English going down the drain. LOL. I wonder what will become of me when I transfer next year. Anyway, the focus of this post is supposed to be my church camp experience and the post revelations. So yeah, I came to church camp with the attitude of wanting to be 'delivered'. I came wanting very much to hear what God had to say to me. And you know what, we were blessed with a totally different paradigm by the speaker. In most camps, the focus is very much on the more spiritual aspect of Christianity. But this time round, I received no 'comforting', 'sympathetic' message. Instead we were presented a very practical view which I believe has been slightly absent from our church. ...

Today was a really interesting day filled with so many revelations from God. Like seriously, He showed me so many things and sent time and again, the right people. I thought I'd like to jot this down because its definitely a major improvement from the befuddled me two posts ago. :) 1. Worship is about letting God be God. (from a worship leader's perspective) You can't really overthink and analyse so-called worship leading styles. It just doesn't work. Today I saw the difference intense prayer made in the worship service. It's all about committing it to God and being alert to the Spirit's move. 2. Reaching out, looking out for others. I definitely need to work more on that. One thing I've learned today: What is life if all you bother about is yourself? 3. I saw today the faults in my assessment of you. Not only that, in this whole issue, I don't think I truly cared for you, I cared about how you were and how you would treat me in relation to that....

Okay man SCRRREEEEWW all the emotional mumbo jumbo, this has got to stop. I'm gonna rejoice in all circumstances! haha forgive the yoyo-ing all in a day, but yeah, need to draw all the strength from Him. I feel like slapping myself, c'mon man each day you spend like this is a day you overlook God's faithfulness and blessings. Snap out of it Jo. okay ahah, self-bombardment just now. :) LORD YOU ARE GOOD. forever and always.

Sometimes I think it's best  To show up at your doorstep To bare all the locked emotions To tell you what I've become, a mess Sometimes I drift into my imagination I open the door and there you are You greet me like nothing ever happened It's all as before, when you were most close, not far Sometimes I close my eyes I dream the same dreams thrice I silently hope that when my eyes flicker open The fourth dream comes to life The unlucky chain forever broken .. yay new poem :)

Where else to vent but here? Really don't mean to be a downer all the time here, but I guess this is where I can be honest. :) -Start- Well maybe I've never really been avoided by people in the past 19 years of my life, but this is so difficult. To be avoided by someone you care so much for. pretty crazy. At least for me. I have to get used to the fact that you're not going to reply every message I send, unlike the days when you not only reply, but add some totally cheeky line after. I have to get used to the fact that you probably no longer care or will take interest in what becomes of me. I have to get used to the fact that no matter how much you say I'm still that best-est friend to you, its really not the same anymore. Change, this is the first time you're so hard to swallow. The queen of adaptation is in fact facing a problem. Well, if you knew my whole story you would probably say I'm overreacting. Heck, maybe I am. But then again, as I said...

At first, I thought to myself while looking back at old pictures (I know, super sentimental)- all the things you said, I wonder if you remember them. The things I used to say to you, I wonder do you miss them. Pictures we shared, I wonder if you look back at them with care. (Ok, that's too much but yeah you get the idea.) You once said something like this- after everything, the outcome is just like that?  Well, the exact same thought sprung in my mind. I did wonder, after everything , after all that's been done, this is what you choose to do? To me?  And then I asked myself, are you any better than the people whom you think do not love unconditionally? No.  Here I am, complaining about the present circumstances when what I should be doing, is being thankful for the past and choosing to accept your decision wholeheartedly. Funny how I always know the right things I should do, but never seem to actually do it. Human nature I guess.  And so I'm reminded of the thi...

Like the title of this post, the pain in my heart can get pretty tangible at times. Sort of like the feeling when the wind is knocked out of you. You don't even know what hit you in the first place. I do not know the time or day when this happens, but when it does, there's almost always some trigger. A VW Golf/ Scirocco parked on the road, a pretty two-piece swimsuit, Body Shop shower gel seen in a glass window, Cadbury chocolate. All these things probably have nothing in common, yet they're like the first piece in a domino chain. They all remind me of you and well, everything pretty much crashes down on me after that. Even the stupid fact that you sometimes don't reply irks me so and I don't know why. However having prayed over this matter, I knew that it was certainly going to be an uphill battle, no shortcuts. I knew there was the possibility for my thoughts and emotions to yo-yo violently. And so I inhale. Try to focus. Try to keep my eyes on my Lord. Calm...

There's no other way to say this. I miss you terribly. As cliche and so unlike me as that sounds, yes I miss all the talking. I miss all your facepalm-inducing jokes, I miss everything. Sigh. What to do. I'm no Dor. Certainly no hourglass in my hands. :/

I know what it feels like. Looking at someone, Feeling tangible pain in your heart. I know what it feels like. Seeing traces of that very person, Lumps forming in your throat. I know what it feels like. Watching someone from a distance, Holding back the emerging tears. I know what it feels like. So many desires in your head, They're left unmet, strangled, rejected. Alas, stop, you ruminating thoughts. Curse you, constant withdrawals. To tolerate you will be the end of me. What I want is an end. And for an end, reviving the past has to cease. And so the beginning of my healing, Might just be the end of this piece. **** A poem written a week ago I think. Cheers :)

I am trying so hard , it hurts sometimes. But I know I shouldn't give up on being that friend to you. There's a reason you're here in my life.  Add oil Jo!

I'm really thankful Lord that you've helped me through so many things in life. It's unbelievable the journey we had. I find it pretty amazing that I was able to rebound so quickly today after the return of sadness. Indeed, Lord You are doing a work in me. You've helped me fight through and accept finally that things don't always work out. You don't always get what you want. It's not always the ending you picture in your head. And the important thing is to not let yourself be bogged down by disappointments in life. Hey, I'm not saying we won't feel sadness, but we can choose not to dwell on it. We can choose to take  heart in the Lord. We can choose to draw strength from Him. I won't lie, definitely tears were shed. But it was for that moment. That moment when the emotions just flooded me. The lovely thing is accepting life itself and letting Him take the burdens. Thank you my dear Lord. ;)

I wonder what are your plans Lord, for me. Who will I be? What will I do in the future? The doors are kinda open, but you know it really tickles my curiosity what happens several years from now. *** To have a mind consumed. To have a mind suffocated with thoughts of you. To wonder day and night. Is it all right? We talk about 'could-have-beens' and 'what-ifs'. And then I think to myself, is it worth it, dedicating this much of brain space to you? I try to minimise that but it's hard. Sometimes the heart is stubborn to the brain's warnings. All the time spent talking. Of course it's hard to pull away. Yet, I pray Lord that you will teach me. Teach me to dedicate my mind to you. To keep it sacred for you. To love you wholeheartedly, mind and soul. Tough task. Not a completely unattainable goal though. *** I always thought I would be strong enough to not do certain things. I would have never thought that I would face such temptations. I guess yo...

Pruning was probably a subject mentioned several times on a few different Sundays, but it only really made sense to me, today. "Where does it hurt most?" God is probably wanting to shape up that area. Take out the weeds, unearth the moldy growth. Then I thought to myself, sometimes I'd rather be stuck, hurting, then change. Maybe I got too comfortable in the whole pity party game. I guess it was probably a lesson though, the whole nerve problem-hand disabled thing. Previously, I did wonder to myself. I thought about how my life seemed fairly trouble-free in comparison to others. There wasn't something to make me cling to God. There wasn't a somewhat long-term predicament that would force me to lean on Him. People would say, why call on trouble when it wasn't present? Well, now I've got what I've asked for - a situation that would take maybe months to be resolved. But I can say I'm still thankful. Given the circumstances, I realize that ...

So it's that time of the year again, when food is in abundance, you earn money just for being single and thy chinese skills will be pushed to its limit.  One thing I can be proud of though, is the fact that I no longer cringe as much when having to meet my father's side of the family, because now my chinese is a little bit better. I still nod and smile when i don't really catch something that's said, but at least I'm no longer afraid to go up to me cousins and have a chat. LOLS. So yeah, Pastor was showing this video at church about a group of people who went on a field trip meeting several families, singing a song to the parents, made up of letters from their children who weren't home. Indeed, how often do we say I Love You to our parents? Maybe for some of y'all it just comes easy peasy, but for me, I've never really said it out. I've always expressed myself through handmade cards and the like. So yeah, I guess it'll be something ...

Separation For total abandonment Sadness For reality. Being yearned for And yearning another Did it always have to end badly? Was there ever mutual happiness? We tell each other Dream lovely things Think happy thoughts. In the end it doesn't work does it? We revisit Memories We take a walk in Square One We replay the hurts We can't bear the thought of forgetting. So where does it all lead? When does it all end? How many sleepless nights will pass? How many personal pity parties will we attend?  Meaningless, she sighed Hopeless, he complained What is my life, she questioned Such deep pain, he whispered.  Some questions were never meant to be answered. Some feelings were never meant to be reciprocated. That's the sad reality Nothing can be done to change it. 

Hello, tell me you know, yeah, you've figured me out Something gave it away And it would be such a beautiful moment to see the look on your face To know that I know that you know now And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking You know nothing 'Cause you and I, why we go carrying on for hours on end We get along much better than you and your boyfriend Well, all I really want to do is to love you A kind much closer than friends use But I still can't say it after all we've been through And all I really want from you is to feel me As the feeling inside keeps building And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me Well, how long can I go on like this, wishing to kiss you Before I rightly explode And this double life I lead isn't healthy for me in fact it makes me nervous If I get caught I could be risking it all Well, baby there's a lot that I miss in case I'm wrong All I really want to do is love you A kind much closer than friends use But I ...

Well sometimes the sun shines on Other people's houses and not mine Some days the clouds paint the sky all grey And it takes away my summertime Somehow the sun keeps shining upon you While I struggle to get mine A little light never hurt nobody Send out your ray of sunshine Jason Mraz *** Indeed, there are people in the world who are happy because you first chose to be happy. So stay strong, and choose to send out your little ray of sunshine. You may never know whose lives you have touched, who appreciates you for being kind.

So once again after like several months, I'm here updating this blog. Well I'm coming here, because I just feel like letting out my thoughts. :) First of all, I'm so very grateful to the Lord for taking me through 2012, helping me survive, and showing me time and again what really matters in life. To be utterly honest, 2012 was an emotionally volatile year. My feelings ranged from sky high to abyss-deep low. And that's really because they're feelings. Feelings change, feelings cannot be depended on. But how? Well, I really thank God that He's the only constant in my ever changing year. I guess I do feel guilty that He had to send so many people, so many occasions my way. Just to spur me on. Just to keep me going. That was how weak I was. God kept reassuring me of His love. Ah well, I guess the only thing I did right was to cry out to Him alone and not seek out other things. And all that time I kept reminding myself, there must be something I'm doing r...